Once upon a time in the mystical land of French class in January 2007, Lonk, who had beaten The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and Nila, who had seen the ending, desperately wanted to tell Starlet, who hadn't played yet, all about the game and its awesomeness without spoiling it. The following is their improvised description of the ending of the game. (Or at least how it SHOULD HAVE ended.) We wrote it down afterwards and Lonk unearthed it in her room a year-and-a-half later. (Minor spoiler warning: a few character/boss names.)
It turns out Ilia and the children have actually been kidnapped by Shad, who is evil. Shad holds her prisoner with his hot chanting. (Shad's voice is hot, okay?!) Link beats Shad (short for SHADOW DEMON!!) and frees Ilia, who returns to Ordon Village.
On his way through the forest, Link accidentally trips on a rock and impales himself on his own sword and dies. Midna rushes to Zelda and tells her Link is dead and has to get his soul back from the Twilight King. Zelda goes through a couple of dungeons with Midna but CAN'T JUMP because she's a SISSY LITTLE GIRL and Midna makes fun of her. She finally beats the Twilight King and retrieves Link's soul (stored in an empty bottle, of course).
Zelda runs to Link's corpse and dumps his soul onto him. Link wakes up and is like ZOMG at the big hole in his stomach. He runs to Castle Town dripping blood everywhere (hey, the game's rated T) and runs into the creepy medical clinic. Trauma Center ensues and Link gets a bloody bandage around his waist.
Link runs off to defeat Ganon in Hyrule Castle and in a dramatic scene Ganon turns around and has a ZELDA SOCK PUPPET on his hand. "Look what I did to your girlfriend!" he cackles. Link fights Puppet Zelda on Ganon's hand until the real Zelda comes out and chucks her shoe at them for being so stupid. Ganon is knocked into Convenient Pool of Lava #1.
Suddenly he rises from the pool and becomes LAVA GANON. You have to use your fishing rod to hook him and shake the lava off him, then shoot him with a bomb arrow. He explodes into a million meaty GANON CHUNKS.
But suddenly the chunks reform and become FLYING DEMON BEAST GANON. You can't get at him with any of your weapons but suddenly Link spots the discarded ZELDA SOCK PUPPET lying on the ground. You have to pick it up and start slapping Ganon's toes to distract him. Suddenly Epona (or, as we call her, EPWNa) comes in and Link jumps on her back. Then Epona LEAPS UP and bites Ganon on his enormous SHNOZ and hangs on.
Link hangs off Epona's tail and he scoops up a bottle of lava from Convenient Lava Pool #1 and throws it in Ganon's face. Ganon freaks out and Epona leaps to safety as Ganon falls back into Convenient Lava Pool #1. The lava hardens over him, but there's a small crack in the middle. Ganon's hand slowly comes up but Link jams the Master Sword into the hole.
Ow.
The Zelda holds out her hand and Link takes it and a sappy moment ensues. Suddenly Midna pops up and starts making fun of them. ("Link and Zelda, sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!") Link slaps her.
Suddenly the curse on Midna is broken! She's actually a MAN--a hottie prince from a neighboring kingdom who got turned into an imp girl and could only be changed back if he were slapped by a guy in tights. His name is actually MIDNO. And he's a childhood friend of Zelda! They fall in love and completely forget Link is standing there.
Suddenly Ilia runs in, screaming "ULI'S GONNA HAVE THE BABYYYYYY!"
Ilia superglues her butt to Epona and you all ride off to Ordon. Upon your arrival Ilia rips herself off Epona and she and everyone except Link and Colin run into Uli's room and slams the door in you guys' faces. Colin's really scared so you have to play...
It's tough being a new big brother. Hug Colin to comfort him, but don't linger too long or your Awkward Meter will climb! If it gets too painfully awkward, the game will shut itself down to spare you the awkwardness!
Finally Uli brings out the baby and Links holds the baby and Ilia looks at Link meaningfully and... CREDITS TIME!
Then there's a wedding. Ilia and Link get married and awwwwwww.
SUPER SECRET EASTER EGG: Beat all the monsters in the game and unlock the MIDDLE-AGED ILIA AND LINK WITH CHILDREN cutscene!
